Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Receive a Blessing,

Be a Blessing...

Monday was a great day for me.  DM and MM had their son, MJM, on Sunday!  I got to meet that sweet little boy on Monday evening and then headed to dinner.  As if that wasn't exciting enough... we got to talk to my FIL on our way to dinner.  So LAW and I had been waiting for a few days now to get his dad and stepmom together to tell them the news.  Last Thursday, LAW's stepsister, JB and her husband, CB, placed a little "surprise" in my FIL's house, and we've been waiting for the perfect opportunity to send them looking for it!  Unfortunately, this weekend, my FIL had a drill weekend so when we finally got to talk to him and JW (my stepmom in law) on Monday, it was the first thing we sent them out to do!  The surprise was a little baby hoodie and little gloves and a note saying "Papa J & TT: You may need these when I get here! Love, Baby W*"
They were super excited and basically incomprehensible for about five minutes after that!  All I heard was *scream scream scream, SO EXCITED, scream scream scream, BABY, scream scream scream* So it's safe to say they were stoked!
At dinner, I saw a table full of nuns and a Priest, and I told LAW that I really wanted to ask them to pray for Baby W*, so like a regular stalker, I followed one of the nuns into the restroom... I told her about my situation and asked for prayers if it wasn't too much of a bother.  She was very sweet, and asked if I wanted the Father's blessings, so they did a little circle around me and prayed for my baby's health.  I had this overwhelming sense of calmness when this all happened, and even if it was just for those few minutes, I just felt like things were going to be okay.

After leaving the restaurant, we were driving back to the hospital to pick up my car, and I encountered a super creepy sight... there was a homeless man just creeping on a girl who was walking home by herself, so we drove up to her and let her know what was going on.  We watched until she got home, and the creeper started walking to try and find her but quickly turned around when he couldn't figure out where she'd gone.  Sometimes you receive blessings in your life, and sometimes you have to be a blessing in someone else's life..

I can't believe today is the last day in October. I can't believe LAW leaves so soon.  I can get through this, right?!?!  :(

Due Date: last week of May 2013

How far along? 10 weeks

Symptoms: nausea, exhaustion, moodiness...

This week, Baby is the size of: a prune!

Total weight gain: I actually don't know this week.. I don't own a scale and I haven't been to the doc in a couple of weeks!

Gender: who knows! First dream I had of Baby W* he was a boy, though!

Food cravings: today I've been craving cheese. cheeeeeese.

Anything making you queasy or sick: everything.

Maternity clothes? no

Sleep: I am getting better at that, sometimes I just have bad nights

Movement: none

Stretch marks? nope

Wedding rings on or off? on

Swelling? Nope

Belly Button in or out? in

Labor Signs: definitely not.

Happy or Moody most of the time: It's a sad week for me with LAW heading out.. blah.

Best moment this week: Monday, overall.

What I miss: feeling normal

Looking forward to: next week!  Week eleven, doctor's appointment - hopefully that means an ultrasound to see how Baby W* is doing!  and one week closer to telling the news to the rest of my family and friends

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I wish...

I wish I could enjoy this pregnancy a little more.

I'm so focused on the risks, that it's hard to really enjoy being pregnant.  I guess the constant nausea and morning all-day sickness doesn't help, either.  I'm amazed at how much more emotional/sensitive I could get (seriously, I bet LAW is super excited to be going on that deployment and missing all the tears that have come along with my pregnancy).  I'm also amazed at how quickly I run out of breath and how tired I feel in a matter of seconds.  One minute I'm fine, and the next I can barely keep my eyes open! I feel like my body is constantly wearing itself out, just by sitting here.  I read that my body is creating 50% more blood to aid in the growth of my uterus and carry more oxygen and nutrients to my frijolito. That in itself puts a lot of pressure on my body and causes most of the tiredness I'm feeling.
I'm also worried about how sick I get after every meal.  I hope I'm getting enough nutrients in my body even though everything comes up shortly after going down.  And then I'm running out of things that sound appetizing.. because let's be real, once that burger comes back up, you really want to hold off on putting another one back down.. TMI?? Imagine living with it! Hahaha!

I don't have my first OB appointment until Nov 8th.  NOVEMBER 8TH!  That's two weeks away.  I'll be eleven weeks by then!  I thought high risk = more doctor visits, more nerves to calm, more frequent appointments!
On the plus side, by then it should be a bit more clear of the direction this is going. I'm hopeful that if I make it that long - if my frijolito makes it that long - then I can ease up a bit and begin planning for a full-term pregnancy.  Still. So much fear surrounding this whole thing.

We finally told the first person in LAW's family yesterday.  It was his sister, JR's birthday, so we called her and told her we got her a present but she couldn't open it until May of next year. She knew what we were talking about way before we made such an obvious statement, though. haha!  We sent her a picture of the ultrasound, and she asked if we were messing with her and we'd downloaded it off the internet - until she saw the name written on the ultrasound.  She's super excited and super supportive.  I can't wait to tell the rest of his family!

Until next time!

Due Date: last week of May 2013

How far along? 9 week'ish

Symptoms: nausea, sore boobs, exhaustion, ridiculous thirst, horrible cramps, and HOLY emotions!

This week, Baby is the size of: a green olive-you!

Total weight gain: still negative what I started.

Gender: unknown, but the sex wars have begun in this household. As much as I want a boy, I still think it's a girl. LAW says it's a boy. MM says it's a girl, SB's vote is boy, and Papa Bear says it's a girl. Looks like "girl" vote is winning!

Food cravings: seriously, mom's home cooking. Can I move her in already?? and cookies.

Anything making you queasy or sick: everything.

Maternity clothes? not for a long while

Sleep: umm. it's getting better I guess!

Movement: negative

Stretch marks? nope

Wedding rings on or off? on

Swelling? Nope

Belly Button in or out? in

Labor Signs: definitely not.

Happy or Moody most of the time: hahaha more emotional than anything.

Best moment this week: telling JR the news!

What I miss: eating without feeling sick.

Looking forward to: Telling more of LAW's family the news.. November 8th, and the following week since it's week twelve! OH and even before that, DM & MM delivering a healthy baby boy, MJM! can't wait to meet him!!!! But I'm really dreading next week.. That's when LAW leaves on his deployment. super sucky!!!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Not every story has a happy ending

So as I had previously mentioned, AL&AB were also expecting their first child.  After coming home from the trip, they went in for another ultrasound to find out their due date, and as heartbreaking as it is to repeat, the doctor didn't find a fetus, just the yolk sac.  My heart broke into a million little pieces when I heard the news.  I hate how unfair life can be sometimes.  I hate that things like this happen to perfectly good people.  I hate that thousands of people choose to willingly rid themselves of little miracles while people like my brother and SIL live with something that is out of their control.
I can't even begin to imagine the heartache they are feeling, and so all I can do is pray and ask that you do the same for them.

"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry. 
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. 
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. 
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. 
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. 
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. 
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. 
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light. 
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. 
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. 
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. 
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose. 
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, 
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. 
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry. 
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

Thursday, October 18, 2012

You are so wanted.

Hi, my Frijolito, this post is for you.

Maybe I should call you my little raspberry, that's about the size of you right now. I want you to know how much happiness, hope, excitement, and curiosity you have brought into my life in your short eight weeks of existence.  I want you to know that already, you are so incredibly loved by the handful of people who know of you.  I want you know how excited I am for these next four weeks to fly by so that I can announce this new life to the rest of the world.  It isn't that I am not confident in you.  I know you have already beat so many odds by just being around, no help needed.  I just want to give you the proper amount of time to grow stronger and healthier inside my little belly before I start having to answer questions and comments about you.
I still find it hard to believe you are here. Growing more and more each day.  If it wasn't for your daily reminders via my nausea monster, I may forget altogether of the precautions I have to take from now on.  You are worth every second of the fatigue I'm feeling.

I got to see you again yesterday.  This time, I saw your little heartbeat.  You've grown so much already in the short two weeks since I last saw you - going from a mere 4mm to a whole 17mm.  I can see the little spots where your beautiful big eyes will be (because you're definitely getting my eyes!).  I love you to the moon and back a gazillion times.  I'm excited to watch you grow.  You are my entire world - you will never fully understand just how much you are wanted. Keep pushing through.  Keep being my little miracle.

Due Date: last week of May 2013

How far along? 8w1d + or - 5 days, per the ultrasound

Symptoms: nausea, super sore boobs, insomnia, exhaustion, ridiculous thirst, cramps

This week, Baby is the size of: a raspberry (17mm)

Total weight gain: I lost 5 lbs

Gender: unknown

Food cravings: carne en su jugo.. anything my mom cooks... chilaquiles.. anything I cook. I just really don't want to cook.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Pork.  I can't stand the taste.  All I taste is grease. YUCK! Eggs.

Maternity clothes? nope

Sleep: sickness keeps interrupting my sleeping pattern, and sometimes I'll wake up at 4AM and just lay there.

Movement: not yet.

Stretch marks? nothing new

Wedding rings on or off? on

Swelling? Nope

Belly Button in or out? in

Labor Signs: definitely not.

Happy or Moody most of the time: moody out of frustration more than anything.

Best moment this week: Finding out that my little one grew! And getting to see the heart beat for the very first time.  Amazeballs.

What I miss: not what, but who. My parents!

Looking forward to: Telling LAW's side of the family. Twelve week mark

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

sick as can be.

So I didn't get much rest on Friday night, and I had a hard time getting through Saturday.  Apparently my throat has declared war on my body, so I did shots of honey and lime all night.  Who needs tequila, right??
Everyone kept offering me some medicines.  It's hard to keep secret the real reason I couldn't accept anything, as miserable as I was feeling and looking.
I lost my voice by Sunday evening, and there's no sign of it coming back quite yet. I don't care. I think I sound sexy, even if LAW disagrees. haha.

Speaking of LAW, so we finally told my siblings on Monday night and this morning.  My favorite was probably when LAW told FB (my oldest brother).  I had told him I had some gossip for him on Monday night and he needed to stop by my aunt's but he didn't, so we weren't able to tell him at the same time we told SB (sister), AB or AL.  The three of them reacted nicely.  AB kinda figured we were about to tell them we were pregnant too before we actually spilled the beans.  AL was excited, though.  It's going to be neat to have two rugrats around the same age, even if we're a whole State away! I think she's about a week behind me.  SB says she wants them to have a girl now and us to have a boy. I'm on board with that.  LAW already calls my Frijolito a boy.  Based on the nausea though, I still think it's a girl.  Getting off topic here, my bad.

So this morning we went and picked up FB from his hotel and LAW says to him:

LAW: So wait, you didn't hear??
FB: No, what's up?
LAW: OH MAN. I can't believe you don't know!  So check this out.  About six, seven weeks ago, right babe?
xP: Yeah, somewhere around there
LAW: [whispering] I knocked up your sister
FB: What?! Seriously?! Are you guys serious? Really? xP, you're pregnant?! WOW. Congratulations man! But now I'm going to have to kill you for having sex with my little sister!
And a round of hugs and kisses made its way around

And reason #7462890 why I love my brother so much?  He asked me about the risks and what it means with my condition and past surgeries and such, and then asked how I'm feeling emotionally, mentally and physically.  He is one of a kind, I tell you.

Mama Bear kept talking to her grandbaby today, too.  She just put her palm on my belly and kept telling my Frijolito how much she loved him/her already and how excited she was to meet him/her.  Papa Bear also told me he loved all three of us when we left Cancun.  He told me to take really good care of his grandbaby.  And I am.

God is too amazing.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Double the Trouble

Double the fun!

No, no twins for me.  Turns out, my sister-in-law, AL, is also pregnant!  We saw her and AB (my brother) on Wednesday, and they showed us the ultrasound picture. So crazy!  I just kept looking at LAW thinking "holy crap!!" and wondering how I was going to give them my news now! haha!
It actually kinda worked out better to set the scene for telling my parents, though.  We took them to a really nice Churrascaria in Cancun, and I arranged for dessert to arrive with a decorated plate that read,
"Felicidades Abuelos
Bebe W*"
Dinner went as normal, and when the dessert dish arrived, my mom simply said, "awww" thinking it was for AL/AB's news, and when she saw the very bottom of the dish and realized it was about me, she practically jumped out of her seat and got what seemed like a short panic attack, began pouring down tears and hugged me so tightly I thought I was going to turn blue!  My dad simply asked, "are you for real?" in his thick accent, and then joined in on the hugs, tears, laughs, etc. 

I'm still super stoked about letting my siblings know, too.

Anyway, on Monday I got a call from my doctor and from my previous instructions, he left me a message with my blood work results.  Turns out my levels only increased 10% instead of the desired 40% after a 48 hour window.  Doc said that it's a clear indication of a possible future miscarriage.  I was definitely a mess that day, but after reading some stuff on PCOS forums, I saw that lots of women experienced low-climbing hCG levels and still went on to carry full term.  Regardless of, there is little I can do, other than continue hoping and praying for a healthy full-term pregnancy.  Nothing has happened yet, and it isn't healthy for me to worry myself silly because of possibilities, however big or small they may be.  I am fully aware of the risks, and so I can only ask for lots of prayers and positive thoughts these next 30-something weeks.

Wedding time tomorrow.. hopefully I can kick this cold to the curve by the night's end.  A little ease on the nausea would be nice, too.  But as my doctor said, nausea = good sign, so I guess keep the sucker coming!

Due Date: last week of May 2013

How far along? a little over seven weeks

Symptoms: nausea, super sore boobs exhaustion, ridiculous thirst, all-day sickness

This week, Baby is the size of: a blueberry

Total weight gain: the way I've been eating down here, I'd say 10 lbs.. but it has nothing to do with baby! haha

Gender: unknown

Food cravings: tacos al vapor. Someone please find me tacos al vapor. and Pescadillas. yummm.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Eggs still. and anything I eat, really.

Maternity clothes? negative captain!

Sleep: it's gotten a little better as far as falling asleep. Now I just wake up randomly and get sick.. then go back to sleep.

Movement: negative

Stretch marks? nothing I didn't already have!

Wedding rings on or off? on

Swelling? Nope

Belly Button in or out? in

Labor Signs: definitely not.

Happy or Moody most of the time: moody from being sick all the time.

Best moment this week: finding out AB&AL are pregnant, too! Oh, and definitely my parents' reaction when we told them. That was super cool!

What I miss: going out to restaurants without getting sick immediately after eating... that's pretty embarrassing.. haha. and drinking.  I'm in Cancun for heaven's sake!

Looking forward to: Wedding time tomorrow. and telling my siblings on Monday.

Saturday, October 6, 2012


"It was the tiniest thing I ever decided to put my whole life into" - unknown

Well, we leave for Paradise in a few hours, and I still hadn't told LAW.  I thought of telling him with a photographer around and capturing the moment forever, but then I thought of how difficult it would be to convince him I really didn't want to have a single alcoholic beverage beach side for the next four days, and I realized I really couldn't wait any longer.  After surprising MM with the news yesterday, I dragged her out with me today to run some errands, buy some prenatals, and search for a cute way to tell LAW the news.
As if the universe had aligned, I came across the most perfect picture frame at Hallmark.  It says "Tiny Miracle" on it, and inside of it, I placed my very first ultrasound picture.  I had it gift wrapped and decided I would give LAW a "just because" present that wasn't so much "just because."

Now, we just moved into our very own first home. Considering how sick I've been, morning or otherwise, we haven't really gotten around to putting stuff away quite yet.. so packing took a little more effort than we were both willing to put in, and naturally, it dragged on well past midnight. Meanwhile, my gift bag just sat on the bed waiting for the perfect moment to be opened.  I can't tell you the anxiety I felt any time I was downstairs or just away from our bedroom.  Any time he would enter the room I was in, my heart would speed up thinking he'd finally opened it.

Right before bed, he finally looked inside.  It went something like this...

LAW: Can I open it now?
xP: Sure, if you want.
LAW: I want.
xP: Okay.
LAW: No way.  You're pregnant?! Are you [flippin] serious?!
Then rushed over to give me kisses and hug me

He was so nervous and excited and surprised!  It couldn't have gone any better than that.

I can't wait to tell my family. But it'll have to wait until AB's wedding on the 13th. At least to tell my siblings.  I'm sure I'll tell my parents the first chance I get.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

I'm still in disbelief. At a loss for words.

I decided it was time to do another round of Clomid before LAW deploys. Went and saw my new doctor on Tuesday the 25th and he put me on Provera for ten days.
Something just didn't seem right with the side effects I was feeling. Curiosity creeped over me, and I decided to take a pregnancy test on Friday. When that second barely-there line appeared, I immediately thought it was just a case of screwed-up hormone imbalance. By Saturday night I decided I'd stop taking my prescription for the sake of safety. Five days on Provera is usually enough, anyway.
I spent all of Sunday night hugging the "throne" and really spilling my heart and soul into it. Logically, first thing Monday morning I retook the test and barely passed the two-line result once again. I called my doctor and asked that we confirm on my following appointment this morning.
Just six months ago I was writing about my frustrations of trying for the past year with no avail. And today, in that little tiny monitor, I saw my little miracle barely making its presence known.  I hear you're the size of a lentil...
I was immediately rushed to do blood lab work to check my hCG levels and will be returning on Friday for the second blood-sucking appointment.
There's some worry about the Provera, and some confusion as to why they didn't test my urine in the first place, but with the Grace of God, I'm hoping and praying everything turns out perfectly.

It is taking every inch of will in my body not to tell LAW until I know more. This is so surreal.

Due Date: last week of May 2013

How far along? around six weeks

Symptoms: nausea, super sore boobs, insomnia, exhaustion, ridiculous thirst, heightened sense of smell.

This week, Baby is the size of: a small pea (measured 4mm)

Total weight gain: none yet. It's too early for that!

Gender: unknown

Food cravings: a few days ago I was DYING for Chinese food. two days later I couldn't stand the smell.

Anything making you queasy or sick: the sight/smell of eggs. WOW, so gross. And really strong smells.. like Chinese food...

Maternity clothes? haha that would be silly!

Sleep: nausea has kept me up most of the night. I fall asleep at around 1 AM and wake up at around 3:30 AM. Fall back asleep at 7 AM, and wake up at 8 AM. C'est la vie!

Movement: only my food coming back up. hahaha

Stretch marks? nothing I didn't already have!

Wedding rings on or off? on

Swelling? Nope

Belly Button in or out? in

Labor Signs: definitely not.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Right now, moody. Insomnia + nausea + exhaustion make for a deadly combination

Best moment this week: confirmation of my positive pregnancy test.. with an ULTRASOUND! I got to see my Frijolito for the very first time!

What I miss: sleep. definitely sleep.

Looking forward to: Telling LAW the news this week. and my family next week! And the twelve week mark. Always the twelve week mark.